Do you ever feel like your value is measured by how much you give to everyone else—your family, your work, your community—often at the expense of your own needs? If this sounds familiar, you might be grappling with something called Human Giver Syndrome. Coined by Emily and Amelia Nagoski in their book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, Human Giver Syndrome describes the societal expectation that women, particularly mothers, should give endlessly to those around them while expecting little in return.

Let’s face it: this mindset has been woven into our cultural narrative for generations. And I’ll admit, I’ve been there. I’ve worn myself thin trying to be everything for everyone—the supportive partner, the nurturing mom, the successful professional—all while carrying the invisible weight of household and emotional labor. It took me years to realize something had to give, and spoiler alert: that something wasn’t me. I remember one Sunday morning where I found myself juggling laundry, cleaning the things scattered throughout the house, answering work emails, and planning meals for the week, all while my family relaxed in the living room watching TV. It hit me: I was running myself ragged while no one else even noticed the chaos. That was the turning point when I knew things had to change.

The Unseen Burden of Mothers

Did you know that women still perform the majority of unpaid domestic labor, even in households where both partners work full-time? A 2021 study from the Pew Research Center found that mothers spend nearly twice as much time as fathers on caregiving and household tasks. This disparity isn’t just unfair; it’s unsustainable.

If you’re a mom like me, you’ve probably felt the pressure to be the default parent—the one who remembers every dentist appointment, keeps track of the endless school forms, and makes sure the pantry is stocked. Add to that the societal expectation to maintain a thriving career, unrealistic tight ageless body, and a picture-perfect home, and it’s no wonder so many of us feel overwhelmed and burnt out.

It’s Time to Raise the Bar

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that we need to hold our partners to higher standards. This doesn’t mean demanding perfection or starting a tally of who did what. It means setting clear expectations and embracing the idea that the mental and physical load of parenting and running a household should be a shared responsibility.

This is where the concept of “equal partnership” comes into play. If your partner doesn’t already know what’s weighing on your shoulders, have an honest conversation. Share the mental checklist that’s running through your head at any given moment. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve assumed my partner could read my mind (spoiler: he couldn’t). Once I started communicating my needs and asking for help, I realized we were both capable of creating a more balanced dynamic.

Sharing the Workload Isn’t Just Fair—It’s Necessary

Here’s the truth: When moms do less, everyone wins. When we share responsibilities, it not only lightens the physical and mental load for mothers but also fosters a deeper sense of teamwork within the family. Children benefit from seeing both parents equally engaged in household tasks, which helps normalize shared responsibilities and reduces gendered expectations for the next generation. Plus, it strengthens relationships by promoting mutual respect and understanding. A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that when fathers take on a more active role in household and childcare duties, mothers experience lower levels of stress and higher levels of satisfaction in their relationships. It also sets a powerful example for children, teaching them that responsibilities aren’t defined by gender.

Reclaiming Your Time and Energy

Breaking free from Human Giver Syndrome doesn’t mean you stop caring for your family or fulfilling your responsibilities. It means recognizing that your needs matter just as much as everyone else’s. It means learning to say no, delegate tasks, and let go of the guilt that comes from not doing it all.

Start small. One strategy is to set certain days for specific tasks, so the whole household knows what needs to be done and can step in to help. For instance, assign Mondays for meal planning, Tuesdays for tidying up shared spaces, and Wednesdays for laundry prep. This structure minimizes confusion and creates a rhythm that everyone can follow. For example, laundry day could be Wednesdays, and everyone knows to contribute or assist without being asked. I created a small board with a calendar and lines for particular tasks. Another useful idea is to create a shared digital list or use apps like Trello or Asana, where family members can see tasks and mark them as completed in real time. While it was originally for my daughter to mark her completed chores, it evolved into a system for organizing weekly household tasks. When a task is done, the person places a magnet in the box to indicate completion. (Chore Chart)This eliminates the guessing game of what needs to be done and encourages participation. Begin by delegating one or two things to your partner or older kids, and you’ll be amazed at how much lighter your load feels. Reframe your mindset around what’s “necessary” versus what’s “nice to have.” For example, focus on essential tasks like ensuring clean clothes and meals, while letting go of perfection in areas like decor or organizing non-essential items. Additionally, encourage family members to take initiative by creating a rotating chore schedule for bigger tasks like deep cleaning or yard work. Other simple strategies include meal prepping on weekends to reduce weekday stress, setting reminders for recurring tasks, or even establishing a family meeting to discuss the weekly plan and assign roles. These small adjustments can make a significant impact on your mental load. Remember, it’s okay to leave the dishes until tomorrow if it means you get a few extra minutes to yourself today.

You’re More Than a Giver

You are not just a giver. You are a person with dreams, needs, and ambitions that deserve just as much attention as the people you care for. By challenging the expectations of Human Giver Syndrome, you’re not only improving your own well-being but also creating a healthier, more equitable family dynamic.

So, let’s agree to stop trying to carry it all. Let’s raise the bar for what we expect from our partners and normalize the idea that parenting and homemaking are shared responsibilities. Because when we share the load, we create space for something even more powerful: the opportunity to thrive.